Dependence & Independence.

I have been in a valley of problems for the past week. I just want to climb to the top of that hill and say that I did it on my own, but I can’t.  Not right now, and not on my own.  Getting into this car accident was one of the scariest things that has happened to me in my life.  The horrible feeling of not knowing what happened, or if it was my fault or if everyone was okay- the loss of control.  Ever since I have been without a car, I have been struggling with asking people for help.  I would rather sit alone in pain than ask a friend to drive me to the E.R.  I’d rather starve and eat crackers for dinner than admit that I really need a ride to the grocery store or that I need to borrow some money.  All this time, I thought that I was “right” for feeling this way.  I had convinced myself that I was so virtuous that I couldn’t bear the thought of inconveniencing anyone. It turns out, I was wrong.  I hate admitting that I am wrong.  So, believe me when I tell you this truth I re-learned this week: you cannot take care of yourself.   Ever wonder why back massages feel so good and yet it's the one place you can't reach?  You can’t do it alone.  We were created to be co-dependent.  This world and my personality tells me constantly that independence is perfection and a desired state of being.  That was until I was spoken to.  I finally realized why I have been feeling this ache in my shoulders.  I see now, that you want me to let go of this control I had over life.  I am so independent that I can’t “need” you or anyone else in my life.  This horrible feeling of letting people take care of me- this guilt and difficulty I'm feeling- is you telling me that you want to take care of me.  I can’t take care of myself as much as I think I can.  I love to be the driver if I go anywhere because I like to have control over where I go or when I am able to leave. Even if I plan to stay the whole time, I like knowing that I have the freedom to leave whenever I want.  You told me that the stem of this is my pride.  You showed me that I think I am self-sufficient, when really it is you that I need to drive me around not myself.

{we <3 it}

Pacific Beach Sunset

I realize now that God is telling me that it is my own pride that puts that barrier between what I needed and me.  My roommates keep telling me,  “Let us help you! You know that you would do the same if it was in reverse!”  I need to let God sit in the driver's seat and learn how to be a passenger for a while. 

YOLO has a whole new meaning to me now- I'm so thankful to be alive, to be 24 and have this chance to live in complete acceptance of God's amazing plan for my life.  I always look back and see what he has done for me when I have just let him have my life.  Words cannot describe the joy that he has put in my heart, the places he has taken me to, the people he has placed in my life... If you only knew the difference he has made in my life- If I could ever get that transformation down in writing- that completely freeing feeling of just giving all cares over to Him, then you would jump at the opportunity to experience that love!  At least read this letter that he wrote to me last night: