Passports and Prada started as attempt for peace in the stress and anxiety of life in an act of desperation. Through writing daily, invisible steps came from finding anything good in life- reasons to live- reasons to smile. It was simple and exactly what I needed at the time. It progressed into my first marketing campaign, which went surprisingly well, but what I wrote was surface level with an occasional peephole into my hidden life. During that time, my emotions were guarded and of course, I didn't want to reveal anything to anyone. Then, it turned into a countdown to the most random, life-changing thing I would do. I was going to move to Australia and then around the world, never to come back again, seeking this purpose for life- the joy that I knew was out there but I had yet to attain. Literally, in my mind, my life ended after that year. What I felt Australia to be was an escape and, in a way, a numbing drug. It turned out to be so much more. I found everything and more- I found peace, happiness, joy, passion, inspiration, and complete escape, and when it ended, complete entrapment and darkness. In another attempt of escape, I came to California to re-launch my journey into the world. Feeling as if I had nothing but memories of "the good life" and all that I had found to be "good" was now, yet again, taken away from me and impossible for me to relive. It was here, through non stop and determined seeking, that I finally found the joy, peace, and love that I had been searching for my whole journey. My weak and pathetic attempts for the duration of my entire life at finding little bits of happiness suddenly made sense to me. I was missing a huge piece the whole time- that piece that I knew was missing; otherwise I would've given up a long time ago. I am in no way saying that I am happy every day, but that hole in my heart has been filled. When bad things happen or I am going through something hard, I still feel the same way, but that hopelessness or feeling of nothing mattering is no longer there. I still seek happiness everyday in the little things and through my passion, and I still believe that positive thoughts determine your happiness.
Theories such as Ghandi's are still accurate to me,
“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
"The Secret" still has powerful insights, "Life isn't happening to you; life is responding to you."
Gabby (New Oprah)'s book Spirit Junkie had a few good thoughts in it about happiness: "True happiness comes when we can surrender and let go of the past. Recognize who you've been holding resentment towards and let that go. Accept others and yourself."
It is all relevant, but these are all missing a common ingredient. I tried these. I practiced these. I lived these. They work, but they don't last. There is no glue. Everything that I learned is still important, but now they are just magnified and sustained by my new love in God. When I left Australia, I felt that nothing would ever compare and that nothing could ever be that good again. I am excited though because with my new realizations, I know that wherever I go will be that much better. With that said, I really want to go to Malaysia and Borneo. This time, not to escape, but to share my joy with the world. Next destination, who knows? I'm on a ride here.
Oh my mind, Oh my stars.