Falling Plates.

Monotony.

Life is starting to get monotonous.  I have learned to be thankful for steady and thankful for monotony, but there is still that travel bird caged up inside of me just wishing it were free.   I know I am where I need to be for now, and I am okay with that.  One of my 2013 goals is to travel alot more than I did in 2012, and that is something that I very much intend to and will do. I just have to remind myself that it is coming and that I just need to prepare for now.  Meanwhile, my best friend that I met while in Australia is coming to visit me for 2 weeks.  I am taking my vacation days and spending them touring her around my (new) home town of San Diego.  We will make a little road trip up to Los Angeles, as well.  I am beyond excited to show her America for the first time.

{image via}

Route 66.

Santa Monica Pier, California

Potato Chip Rock.

I saw a picture of a friend on Facebook on this "Potato Chip Rock” hanging over a cliff, and instantly I looked it up on Google to see where in the world was this rock so that I could fly there immediately.  It turns out it was just 30 minutes from my new home in San Diego.  Only problem was, you can't just drive to it.  You have to hike 8 miles on a rigorous trail.  This was a problem since I had never hiked before, and I was worried about my fitness level from the scary reviews. I wanted to get up there so badly though that I pushed past my fear of not being able to make it up.  I'm not going to lie- it was intense, and I probably won't do it again. But I made it, and it was actually amazing! I finally understand why people hike, now. I felt so exhausted and sore for days and days after, but I had accomplished something that I didn't think was physically possible for me- and that was the best feeling in the world.

Hiking in San Diego is way different to me than hiking in Colorado. All I kept thinking while I was hiking this trail was that I felt like I was on the set of The Flintstones.  There were no trees the entire time, but there were boulders everywhere. The greatest part about hiking in San Diego is that you can actually see the ocean from the top of the mountain.

If you are ever in San Diego, definitely add this to your to-do list.

Jump.

What’s it feel like right before you jump? I have the privilege to know that feeling, a feeling I love and know all too well. It feels like you’re about to fly- like life is waiting for you to jump in and enjoy the amazing things it has to offer. It’s freedom. Right before you jump, you can’t hear anything. Your body becomes only a servant to your mind. Your mind races, so fast you can’t keep up with its reasoning. Then, there is that moment when your mind says, “Jump!” This is when you black out, and all you can see is your feet leaving that cliff, as you fall and fall, and the fall seems so long. While you’re mid air all you can do is scream, not a regular scream but a scream expelling every breath of air you have in your body. Sometimes you will hit hard, and it will be the most excruciating feeling. But when you’re under water, all you see is blue- you see the life and feel nothing once again. You can’t move. You don’t want to. All you want to do is continue this blue feeling. Instant calm, but once you reach the surface you remember the pain that you just incurred, and you can no longer control your emotions, so you turn young, and so fragile, and afraid. While I’ve jumped and hurt beyond measure, I crave it so much. I feel I am standing on the cliff of life, and I keep bending my knees preparing for departure, but my mind is saying jump and my body is too rational. It’s as if I am literally glued with fear. Sometimes you need to give into your curiosity to truly experience life. I want to feel the fear, the pain, the excitement, the blue, the young! I want it all. I want to jump!

{1:Passports & Prada©}{2:Via}

2012: A Year of Truth.

These are just a few of my favorite moments of 2012.  God has been so good to me this year.  I moved from Australia to Colorado to California.  The most amazing part about looking back on this year is the growth in my relationship with God.  I am truly a changed person compared to who I was 1 year ago, and I am proud of myself.  I never thought a year could top 2011 in Australia, but this year had bigger downs and bigger ups.  I've gone through more this year with trials in my life than any other year, but somehow looking back on it- it doesn't seem bad.  It actually seems better than all the previous years because now I know that I have God on my side, and that makes it so much better.  I never could've planned what has happened here in San Diego.  What started out as a month turned into a year, and a life changing year at that.  I just pray that 2013 will be an incredible year, as well.

The Trap of Reality.

My roommate and I were talking about *travel yesterday. We both have this insatiable desire to travel, but for now both of us know that we need to be here to deal with stuff. We were talking about this “real life” question that always comes up when you just want to travel from one place to another for the rest of your life. If you are away from your “home” from an extended period of time, more than likely you will be told that what you’re experiencing is “not reality.” I always hated when people would tell me that my life in Australia was not “real.” What is real? “I am working, I am providing for myself, I have great friends, and I am happy. Isn’t this more real than the life I had before working constantly, stressed out to the point of physical pain, and I wasn’t happy?,” I always said. 
 

Knowing full well how I felt, she asked me, “What was it about Australia that made you so happy?” Was it the place… to some extent. Was it the idea of the place… that too. Was it the people…It was how the people made me feel. For the first time in my life I felt like I knew who I was, but once I came back to the states it instantly evaporated. I’m still trying to regain that feeling and sense of self-worth. What it boiled down to was that sense of “belonging” was really just because I felt special for the first time in my life. In Australia, I stood out, and I became the “American girl,” and I have to admit, I loved the attention. I had never felt like I stood out like that here. I have more friends now than I did in one place then, but my friends here actually love me for who I am, not where I am from or the person I became when I was thriving off of being the center of attention. So, why isn’t that enough for me?
 

My roommate started telling me her own struggle, as she has wanderlust just as bad as I did. She started talking about how creating a home base, establishing relationships, and building roots has finally become more important to her than her desire to travel. It made my stomach turn and hers too. “This is all part of growing up, realizing that the cloud of Australia or wherever the next adventure is, is not reality.” She compared it to getting high or an addiction to a substance- “It’s the same thing,” she said. How can I reduce the high, create a reality and home base, find “real” bliss and still travel. Here's the thing though, I know that travel is an escape for me. It's a place to runaway to when my "reality" isn't what I want it to be. I think that acknowledging that fact is huge and until I get over trying to run away, I know that I am not ready yet.  Until I don't feel trapped any more, it is then that i will be ready to travel again.
 

I hate this so much. I hate thinking about it or even asking these questions. I just wish the conversation had never happened, but I don’t know if she is right. I know there is a balance between living-on-a-cloud and where I am now, but right now I don’t even have an idea of where that is. It’s either travel for the rest of my life in bliss or get stuck in U.S. for the rest of my life and never travel. And no- I am not okay with traveling once a year. That is a sick and twisted concept that Americans created. It’s literally frowned upon to take your two weeks’ vacation. When you take vacation, everyone hates you for it, your coworkers and your boss'- then you have the potential of not having a job when you come back. Here I am feeling guilty for missing one day of work to go back to Colorado for Christmas to spend it with my family for the first time in 2 years. That’s not okay with me. I know that is sick and twisted, and yet I am living proof that it doesn’t matter how much you're against it- you will get trapped.  I've been working for 9 months now with 0 vacation days.  Twinsies and I- we call it "the trap," and that is a reality that I don’t want to live in for the rest of my life.
 

I understand that this isn’t just a desire I have and that everyone feels this way, but because I’ve actually lived and worked in my dream country as a reality, it makes me feel like it is even more possible than most people would. Where does my dream stop and reality begin? Or, where does reality stop and my dreams begin?
 

*travel meaning actually living in another country and working for an extended period of time

As American as Apple Pie.

Some of my friends and I took a day trip up to the little town of Julian, best known for their apple orchards and apple pie.  It is about an hour North East of San Diego.  What a perfect way to spend the first weekend in October!  We did a hike around the lake and discovered some wild turkeys.  Then, we went into town to get some lunch at Julian Cafe and had a homemade fresh apple pie from Mom's Bakery.  After that, we went apple picking in the orchards. It was nice to get away from the rush of the city for a bit, but I am happy to be back by the ocean.  It's finally starting to feel a bit like fall, now.  I think I will be making my special Autumn Spice Cider soon. 

Oh my stars.

Passports and Prada started as attempt for peace in the stress and anxiety of life in an act of desperation.  Through writing daily, invisible steps came from finding anything good in life- reasons to live- reasons to smile.  It was simple and exactly what I needed at the time.  It progressed into my first marketing campaign, which went surprisingly well, but what I wrote was surface level with an occasional peephole into my hidden life.  During that time, my emotions were guarded and of course, I didn't want to reveal anything to anyone.  Then, it turned into a countdown to the most random, life-changing thing I would do.  I was going to move to Australia and then around the world, never to come back again, seeking this purpose for life- the joy that I knew was out there but I had yet to attain.  Literally, in my mind, my life ended after that year.  What I felt Australia to be was an escape and, in a way, a numbing drug.  It turned out to be so much more.  I found everything and more- I found peace, happiness, joy, passion, inspiration, and complete escape, and when it ended, complete entrapment and darkness.  In another attempt of escape, I came to California to re-launch my journey into the world. Feeling as if I had nothing but memories of "the good life" and all that I had found to be "good" was now, yet again, taken away from me and impossible for me to relive.  It was here, through non stop and determined seeking, that I finally found the joy, peace, and love that I had been searching for my whole journey.  My weak and pathetic attempts for the duration of my entire life at finding little bits of happiness suddenly made sense to me.  I was missing a huge piece the whole time- that piece that I knew was missing; otherwise I would've given up a long time ago.  I am in no way saying that I am happy every day, but that hole in my heart has been filled.  When bad things happen or I am going through something hard, I still feel the same way, but that hopelessness or feeling of nothing mattering is no longer there.  I still seek happiness everyday in the little things and through my passion, and I still believe that positive thoughts determine your happiness. 

Theories such as Ghandi's are still accurate to me,  

“Your beliefs become your thoughts, 

Your thoughts become your words, 

Your words become your actions, 

Your actions become your habits, 

Your habits become your values, 

Your values become your destiny.” 

"The Secret" still has powerful insights, "Life isn't happening to you; life is responding to you."

Gabby (New Oprah)'s book Spirit Junkie had a few good thoughts in it about happiness: "True happiness comes when we can surrender and let go of the past.  Recognize who you've been holding resentment towards and let that go.  Accept others and yourself." 

It is all relevant, but these are all missing a common ingredient.  I tried these. I practiced these. I lived these. They work, but they don't last.  There is no glue.  Everything that I learned is still important, but now they are just magnified and sustained by my new love in God.  When I left Australia, I felt that nothing would ever compare and that nothing could ever be that good again.  I am excited though because with my new realizations, I know that wherever I go will be that much better.  With that said, I really want to go to Malaysia and Borneo.  This time, not to escape, but to share my joy with the world.  Next destination, who knows?   I'm on a ride here.

Oh my mind, Oh my stars.

Tijuana House Building Project.

Do you ever feel numb to your life? Like all you feel like you do is work and sleep and work and sleep? My life has felt meaningless these last few weeks, and nothing sparked my attention or lit a fire in me.  I feel like I have been sleepwalking through life.  That was until yesterday, when I went and built a house for a family in Tijuana, Mexico- just 30 minutes to the border from where I live, and an hour to their house from mine, yet it was worlds away.  This family woke me up- it was the slap in the face that I needed.  I also fell in love and can't wait to see them again.  My friends and I built their "house" in 6 hours. I say "house" because to our standards this is not a house, but they appreciated it as if it were.

 My friends and I split up into 3 groups and built 3 houses for 3 different families in Tijuana.

 Just 1 hour away from San Diego where I live, yet worlds away. 

 The wonderful family that we built a house for.  They didn't speak any english- and we didn't speak any spanish, but that didn't keep us from understanding their gratitude and ours.

 Adrian (the dad of the family) helped us build.

 Me- holding up walls.  

 Adjacent to their "property."

This is where they have been living.

This feast that the mom prepared for all 9 of us was everything they had.  I still don't know how she made this.  It was better than anything I've ever made, and I even have a real kitchen.  

 The mom and dad and their baby Kevin. 

Mirian (the little girl below) took this photo of her cousin.  She was such a great photographer and she was captivated by my camera. I bet she'll grow up to be a famous photographer.

 Mirian and her brother getting ready to paint.

All the little kids from the neighborhood wanted to get in on the painting of the house.

I fell in love with Mirian (in the middle).  I wanted to give her everything I had. All I had was my bracelet from Australia- she was thrilled! She kept trying to give it back to me, and when she finally understood that I was giving it to her, she held on to it as if I had given her the world.  

We gave them a Spanish bible and toys for the kids.  I love how Miriam was wearing the slinky as a bracelet.

I will never forget your family, and I promise I will find a way back to visit you again.

TJ housebuilding is a one day mission trip designed to share the love of the Lord with families by providing basic shelter in which they can live. "For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything." ~Hebrews 3:4